After my first baby, my reaction didn’t turn out the way everyone talked about it, this is my Postpartum depression story. Growing up I had already envisioned how my life would turn out. The kind of man I would marry, my wedding dress, the honeymoon, where we would live, and how many kids I would have. Luckily, one by one all my dreams turned out the way I envisioned it, I had my first child. The birth of my child is the most surreal thing that has ever happened to me.
Finally holding my baby was meant to be happy but I got sadness, emptiness, anxiety, mood swings, I didn’t even want to hold my baby because I thought I would hurt him. I asked my gynecologist and she says it is just the baby blues and it would pass after a week or two. This feeling persisted, I began to feel ashamed and raise up walls because I didn’t want to be judged by my husband, my mom, and my mother in law. They have all being hands-on; I even have a housekeeper.
“How could you be so ungrateful when you have it easier than other women” that’s what a friend told me when I tried to explain to her how I felt. That is exactly what I thought of myself, ungrateful, and unworthy.
I called my gynecologist who told me the way I felt would only last for a few weeks and I was experiencing baby blues because of the hormones. However, about 8 weeks post-partum, I felt worse by the day, getting forced to breastfeed the baby. He was the most beautiful boy I have ever seen but I just didn’t know what to do with him. I would panic whenever I am asked to hold him. How could this be normal? I couldn’t wait to meet my baby all through my pregnancy now the feeling is the exact opposite.
I visited my gynecologist since I already shared the problem with her, she gave me a questionnaire to fill after which I was referred to a therapist. Joined a support group with other moms going through postpartum depression, it gave me a feeling I was not alone. I am still on the road to recovery and acceptance, now experiencing the joys of motherhood especially when my baby smiles back at me. My baby will turn 1-year old in a month and I am proud to have made it this far.
To all new moms, learn to take care of yourself as much as you take care of your babies. Asking for help is a brave thing to do, there is nothing to be ashamed about.
You are brave, you are strong!
