Men process grief differently in everything, even when they are hurting especially because of the notion that men do not cry, should not show vulnerability or feeling. We will be talking about some tips for men whose partners has gone through a miscarriage and how you can be supportive.
A miscarriage can affect you profoundly in several ways.
- Physical Effects: For the mother, there are a number of painful and unpleasant effects of a miscarriage. There will usually be significant vaginal bleeding, a mom’s body often reacts like it does when she gives birth. Her hormones will likely cause unexpected emotional and physical reactions
- Emotional Effects: For both mom and dad, there are significant emotional issues. Clearly, the feeling of loss is real for both expectant parents. Having your dreams of having a baby shattered can be a huge blow and both of you may feel afraid to try again. There may be feelings of emptiness, guilt, failure, overall depression or discouragement.
- Spiritual Effects: this experience can cause men to question their faith or even backslide. They may ask questions like, “If there is a God, how could he have let this happen to us.
- Relationship Effects: You and your partner both need emotional support at this time, and this can lead to stresses on the relationship. It is easy to fall into guilt and blame. Minor irritations and tensions can escalate. You may even feel like you are headed for a breakup.
Supporting your partner after miscarriage
Although miscarriage is a loss for both of you, it happened physically to your partner. Your partner is likely to be in a raw emotional state and she may lash out at you or shut you out. Simply being there for your partner by listening and giving her ‘a shoulder to cry on’ is often what women want most from their partners.
Some men feel as though they have to hide or ignore what they’re going through so they can be there for their partner. However the both of you have just lost a child, so making time to do activities you both enjoy can help nurture your relationship and create some positive feelings.
What to do
- Know what to say and what not to say: Many moms who have miscarried have suggested that their husbands not try to console them with a message that “You can still have other kids.” For mom, this baby was unique and special. Having more kids in any number will not eliminate the feeling of loss. Talking about other pregnancies may be the male way of trying to fix it. What Mom needs is a listening ear, sympathy, and reassurance of your love for her. This kind of attitude will help her deal more effectively with her loss.
- Ask for help: Men typically don’t talk to other men about their feelings, even in the case of a miscarriage. It is just not their way of grieving. If you feel you’re not coping, you’re feeling depressed or your relationship is under stress, see your GP, a counselor, support group or a community spiritual leader as a couple or individually.
- Support your partner. Your partner will often feel the loss of a child more keenly that you will. So take the time to sit with her, hold her, and listen to her express herself. Just being there and supporting her through her grief will really help her process the experience
- Get busy. Men will often turn to a project to help with the feelings of grief and loss. It is not a bad way to deal with everything that is going on around you. Being busy (but not too busy to be supportive to your partner) will help with the passing of time and will focus you in a positive direction. Make time to do enjoyable activities together with your partner.
- Don’t rush it. A good day can be followed by a bad day. You may think you or your partner are done grieving, but it comes back full force a few days later. This is natural, and you must give each other all of the time it needs.
When to start trying for another pregnancy after miscarriage
It is best to wait until you both feel ready to be intimate and try for another baby. It may happen immediately or could take some time to get pregnant again. If this happens, any thoughts of fear, failure and disappointment might get worse. If you’re using IVF, you might both need to take some time to build up your strength before starting another cycle.
Grieving and recovery don’t happen overnight, and the process is different for everyone please be patient with your partner. If you need help talking with someone and don’t know where to start please use the consult a doctor platform.
Love and Light.